


For The Workforce, Drowning

by ratcoven



Category: AFI
Genre: Alternate Universe - Law Enforcement, F/M, M/M, Single Dad AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2018-12-03 05:17:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11525325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratcoven/pseuds/ratcoven
Summary: Jade's life isn't that bad- he has a beautiful family, the job he always wanted- in fact, his life is pretty damn good if you ask him. Close to perfect, even.Well, on the surface it is. His wife is an ice queen and his career is falling apart before his eyes.Oh yeah, then there's Davey Marchand. He's kind of in love with Davey Marchand.





	1. Jade

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello, hello! 
> 
> Well, I started this and I'm really proud of it. 
> 
> I'm hoping to update chapters on a biweekly schedule, but we'll have to see about that. I really hope you guys enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing it! Comments and kudos are appreciated! Here we go~
> 
> This is work of fiction, don't own and didn't happen.

Pulling the keys out of the ignition was the beginning of the end, turning over the engine to a different beast entirely. I can’t remember how long it had been this way. Every evening, I would come home from the office to my once warm, kind, beautiful wife and be hit instantly with a barrage of insults and accusations where niceties had once stood. I was spent, walking through the threshold into my own home seemed to age me twenty years. I was almost thirty-fucking-six, I didn’t deserve to feel like this. I still had time— so much time— but my livelihood was being drained from me by the succubus that stood just beyond that door.  

We married too young, high school sweethearts, barely nineteen at the time. She was so insistent on settling down and starting a family and I didn’t have the balls to speak up. “Iss, are you sure about this?” I had wanted to ask her. “We’re still just starting out, maybe we should wait a few years.” But I hadn’t said a word of the sort, too naive and blinded by love to know any better. Two years later— me, still trying to make it through law school with no idea of what I was going to do with the rest of my life— we had a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a newborn on the way. Never in my life would I have imagined things turning out the way they did. 

Not soon after that was when that spark between us started to die. The sudden realization that we had sacrificed our youth far too soon. That we weren’t ready to commit to something like this— something so big, so life changing. But we had no choice at that point, and somehow we remained so sickeningly happy. We suffered through without a single complaint for as long as we could, but all good things must come to an end. The more I moved ahead, made success for myself— and the more she dragged behind, weighed down by responsibility— the worse it got. 

But now, there we were, choking on the smoke that our match that burned so bright left behind. 

Not to say that I was unhappy with where I wound up. I was a successful criminal defense attorney with a respectable reputation. My colleagues, much older and with far more experience, had commended me and accepted me as one of their own. I had a great group of friends who had kept me grounded all those years and above all, I had a wonderful family, including a bright and beautiful daughter. 

Marissa had been the one that wanted to start a family of our own, it had been  _ her  _ to insist that we try. I hadn’t even considered having kids when I was barely grown myself, but I wanted to make Marissa happy. On a whim, I had agreed and in one moment to the next I was a father. You’d think that I would be the one to have an issue with parenthood, but fifteen years later it’s  _ her  _ that always told me that Avery ruined her chances at life. She told me time and time again that it was  _ my  _ fault for getting her pregnant. I’m still convinced she just needed an excuse to scream at me. Afterall, I had indulged her every wish. I had given her everything she had ever wanted and it was never enough. 

I, for one, love my daughter. Sure, when she was born I was an obnoxious twenty-one-year-old with not even so much as experience in taking care of a puppy, but that kid was my everything from the start. She was my motivation for getting my life together. I was about to fail out, passing the bar wasn’t even in the question, but if I could create a life— this crazy little thing with a pulse and a future that was completely dependent upon what I could do for it— then I could pass some shitty test. So, I did everything I could. I crammed and stayed up for days at a time, juggling a textbook and a bottle every time Marissa was too over it to get up, and somehow I managed. 

No— I didn’t just manage, I crushed every other one of my peers under my boot and I  _ destroyed  _ that exam. I wasn’t about to lay down and let Avery grow up barely scraping by. I was going to give that kid the life I had always wanted and that was exactly what I did. 

Most parents would probably beat me with a stick for the way I raised Avery, but that being said, most parents are fucking garbage. They wonder why their spawn are such slimy little pricks while they barely regard them as people. Everyone who says you shouldn’t try to be your child’s friend is full of shit. She really is a great kid, and it’s obvious that she’s mine. Same eyes, same evil little smirk. I can tell why people want to smack that look off my face now. Definitely just as snarky and honestly so much smarter. She got Marissa’s pretty gene, though. Not completely cursed by the Puget name. 

I couldn’t be more proud. 

I just hope that Marissa’s knack for being a vapid bitch isn’t hereditary. 

I ran a hand through my hair and loosened the tie from around my neck, it’s best not to give my lovely wife any means of choking me to death. From the outside, the house looked so inviting. We had moved several times over the years to accommodate for my job. The plan to live a nice domestic life in the suburbs had fallen apart around the time Avery turned five. I had gotten my first solid job and we had to move up north to Portland. After that, we went back and forth between the PNW and San Francisco a few more times before landing out here in New York. I knew Marissa hated it out here. I had made it clear that she was welcome to leave any time she wanted to, but I knew she never would. Who would she be if she couldn’t harass me? 

The only reason I had stuck around that long is for Avery. She didn’t deserve to suffer through some messy divorce when Marissa and I were already at each other’s throats constantly. I already knew how miserable it had to be living with us. I didn’t know how much longer I could take it, though. Maybe I should talk to her. It would give me a good excuse to get out of Marissa’s way as quickly as possible too. 

Worth a shot, right? 

I pushed the driver’s side door open and slowly but surely dragged myself to the front door, not bothering to bring my briefcase inside with me. It would probably wind up getting thrown at my head if I did. The process of making my way inside had become ritualized, with me dragging it out as long as I possibly could. Savoring my last few fleeting moments peace before I entered hell for the night. After fumbling with my keys for a minute, at last I slid my key in the lock and turned it, bracing for impact. 

I was met with silence instead of the usual fit of banshee screaming that I’d become so familiar with. The house was dark, no signs of life anywhere. That is, other than the too-loud music coming from upstairs, undoubtedly coming from my daughter’s room. Jawbreaker. Yep, definitely my kid. Marissa must have been out with one of her chew toys. I sighed and collapsed on the couch, grateful to be alone for the first time in a long time. I glanced at my watch, half past eight. Did I really stay at the office for three extra hours without noticing? And God, she must’ve been having a great time. She usually made it home before I was even off work. Maybe she wouldn’t come home at all tonight, maybe I’d finally get some well deserved rest. One could only hope. 

If not for the fact that the great Jade Puget never sleeps, I would say that I actually dozed off for half a second. Good thing I know that’s not true. After a moment of careful consideration, I got up, leaving the sofa’s loving embrace and venturing upstairs. I couldn’t help but sing along to Jinx Removing at an obnoxious volume and even with her back turned to me, I could feel Avery rolling her eyes when I opened her door. 

“Stealing my CDs again, I see?” I said, inviting myself in and sitting down on her bed. 

She swiveled around in her chair to face me with an eyebrow cocked and a smirk playing at her lips. “Don’t you have more important cases than the missing copy of 24 Hour Revenge Therapy?” 

I rolled my eyes and laugh, “I don’t know, A, I might just have to drop all my cases now. This seems pretty serious.” 

“Speaking of which, how was work? You’re home awful late.” She got up and sat down beside me and I felt a pang of guilt run through me. I’d been working too many hours recently, I knew that. When I wasn’t at the office, I was sitting behind my desk at home running a fine-tooth comb through every detail of my cases until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. Come to think of it, it had been weeks since I’d been able to talk to her for more than a few friendly words and an “I love you.” God knows her mother wouldn’t even do that. Poor kid. 

“Big case,” I started, pulling Avery into a one armed hug. “Lots of boring lawyer stuff I’m not yet at the liberty to divulge. Lost track of time, I guess. I’ve been working too much lately,” I looked down and meet her eyes. They have a wistfulness about them, dark and hopeful and knowing that there’s something more, something _better._ It was a quality people told me I have- or, at least when I was younger. I suppose it had been true at some point, I have always been the ambitious type. I didn’t exactly have an easy time growing up, fighting poverty through my adolescence amongst other things. Yes, I knew there was better and I made sure that I made something better. Suddenly, this whole ordeal with Marissa seemed all too familiar. I won’t let it happen like that, not to Avery. 

“And for that, I apologize. I know how much getting to spend time with me means to you. But, in all my efforts I managed to finish all the work I needed to.” I paused, carefully considering my next words. To say that work had been demanding lately was a grand understatement. For that matter so was saying that I had a big case. It wasn’t just  _ a case,  _ it was  _ the case.  _ The case that would make or break my career. The most high profile, high stakes case that would come by for years and it was all  _ mine.  _ But I still had a life outside of my work, a life that deserved my full attention. No drug charge or murder trial would take me away from that. Or, not all of me, at least. Besides, it was just a matter of waiting for the trial to start now anyway. 

“I think I’m gonna take a few days off next week.” 

Instantly, I saw her eyes light up and I grinned. “Are you feeling okay? My father, the great Jade Puget, taking time off work? Sounds pretty suspect,” she joked, elbowing me gently in the ribs. 

“I know, sounds impossible, right? But I’ll make a few calls and set it up in the morning, then I’m all yours.” Tomorrow was Saturday, I didn’t have to go in anyway but I couldn’t stand not having things done. “We’ll start making some plans this weekend.” 

She beamed up at me and squeezed me. “Thank you. Glad to know that someone still cares.” 

I couldn’t help but cringe a little, the idea that she might actually think that we- that I- didn’t care makes me feel sick. At this point, I couldn't tell anymore with Marissa. My wife could’ve been bleeding out in an alley somewhere right now and I wouldn’t even know it. I don’t think I really wanted to know, honestly, but now she didn’t even have the decency to show up and  _ try  _ to be a mother to her own child? That was a new level of bitch, even for her. 

“Of course, A. You always have been and always will be the most important thing in my life.” I fell silent for a moment, trying to figure out if I really cared about the answer to my next question. In fact, I couldn’t care less, but I was still obligated to ask. “Do you have any idea where your mother is?” 

“Your guess is as good as mine, although it wouldn’t surprise me if those guesses were right.” 

Does she know? She knows. How the fuck does she know? What kind of scum has Marissa brought into  _ my  _ house? Who does that shrew think she 

“Jade ‘Da Playah’ Puget, how can I help ya dumbass?” I don’t have the time to think before Avery grabbed my phone and answered it on the first ring. Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. 

I heard Davey’s laugh over the line, one of those genuine laughs that always leave him with a stitch in his side trying desperately to catch his breath. “Da Playah finally making a comeback? Never thought I’d see the day. Maybe we should start competing for most f—”

“Dave, I swear to god,” I yelled, trying to wrestle the phone away from Avery. Since when did the kid get so strong? 

After a minute I managed to get my phone back, somehow finding myself on the floor with Avery curled up next to me laughing. Davey’s still on the other line, probably in a similar state from the sound of it. I took him off speaker and allowed my head to fall back against the carpet. I sighed, trying to cover up the fact that I was panting. 

“What’s up, Dave?” 

He choked out something incomprehensible and what sounded like my name in response. It took him a while to regain his composure, but eventually he managed to say something I could actually understand. “Not much, playah,” he giggled. “Got some news today, wondered if you wanted to go out for a couple drinks? Looks like you’re home for once, huh?” 

“Call me playah one more time and I’ll—”

“Prosecute the NYPD’s newest homicide detective, Puget, I fucking dare you.” 

“No shit, you got your shield? When were you gonna tell me? Davey, that’s great!”

He let out a breathy laugh, “Well, I was  _ going  _ to tell you over drinks about twenty minutes from now but now that the cat’s out of the bag…” I could have slapped him, I swear. 

“What, are you kidding? I’m buying you dinner and I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouth, got it?” 

“Yes sir, meet you at that steakhouse on 46th in a few. Bring that kid of yours along too.” 

I hung up with a shit eating grin on my face and turned my head to face Avery. She’s still half curled up in the fetal position, wiping tears from her eyes, face still a little red. 

“In the mood for dinner?” 


	2. Davey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm absolutely loving this fic, I'm having so much fun writing it. I'm gonna start posting chapter updates the first Friday of every month or earlier depending on when I finish. 
> 
> That's all, hope you guys enjoy!! Until we meet again. 
> 
> This is work of fiction, don't own and didn't happen.

God, I felt like a little kid with a new toy. The last time I got like this was when I got my gun, and Jade nearly clocked me for pulling it on him. It wasn’t loaded, my finger wasn’t even on the trigger. I don’t know what he was so pissed about. 

_ Keep your eyes on the road, dumbass. _

I’d been working my ass off to earn my shield for I don’t know how long. Kissing my sergeant's ass had been such hard work, but I did it because I had to. Yeah, maybe I had my fair share of fuck ups in vice but they didn’t have to treat me like shit the entire time I’d been in homicide. I’m a good cop and now everyone knew it. And I got my fucking shield. I was the one that brought in the Phantom Ripper, I’d earned a little respect.

But really, I did work as hard as I could to get where I was at. Maybe it’s not exactly what I had hoped for but I’ve gotten something good. Life’s a chaotic, cruel accident but you can’t let it hold you back. Sometimes you just gotta make life your bitch, it pays off in the end. For once I could finally say that I was happy where I was. 

_ You’re gonna crash and you’ll never be able to rub it in Jade’s face. Look. At. The. Road.  _

I shook myself out of my thoughts and tossed it off into the passenger seat. I love the guy to death, but Jade’s always beat me out. He’s always been the successful one, has the dream job, the perfect family. Always done well, and sometimes being his best friend sucks dick. Not that I mind sucking a little dick. In the end he’s like my family though. Wouldn’t trade the guy for the world, or that kid of his. High schoolers are meant to be scared of cops, she’d probably kill me if she could. Even then, I wouldn’t put it past her. I guess it runs in the family.

I took the exit that leads me into the city, I got a nice little apartment just outside NYC. It was pretty nice for what I can get on a cop’s salary, I really wasn’t complaining. Nothing too glamorous but it was so much better than the rat’s nests I lived in when I first came up here. Two bedrooms, a halfway decent view, and get this: it even had a fucking  _ refrigerator.  _

Navigating the city became second nature to me years ago. I really don’t get how people can get lost in New York, the streets are numbered all nice and neat for you for fuck’s sake. I turned onto 46th, keeping an eye out for Jade’s Challenger. Of course he wasn’t there yet. That’s one thing I’ve got on him, the guy couldn’t keep track of time if it hit him in the balls. He got professors pissed when he decided to stroll on in an hour late with that goddamn grin on his face. He always managed to charm his way out of shit somehow though. 

I found a space to park and got out, snatching up a pack of smokes and my shield along with me. Even for a local, it was starting to get bitter cold out. The holidays were quickly approaching and along with them comes the frigid march of winter. I nestled a little further into my jacket and found a nice expanse of brick to lean up against. I lit a cigarette and took a long drag, staring out across the street. I was on that block a lot, now it was mainly for the steaks but patrol and vice brought me out here almost every night. Really not the nicest street, I could name a few better, but it’s worth the risk for the food. Plus I’d always have the upper hand if I got mugged, best shot in the department. 

I sighed, smoke surrounding me as I did, I was already starting to feel a little fuzzy from the nicotine. Or maybe it was just the weight of the day starting to come down on me. 

Aside from getting my shield, things could have gone a little smoother. The Phantom case was heavy, hit a little too close to home, but I couldn’t let that get in the way of my police work. While that case had been active, we hadn’t released much information to the media. All they knew is that this guy had been dropping bodies in abandoned theaters all over the city. Somehow we managed to keep victimology airtight, didn’t want to cause the panic that we knew it would. Now that we’d got him, it was only a matter of time before it got out. They deserved to know, to mourn, fuck knows I had been. Shit, being on this case I was scared for my life most nights. I wouldn’t walk the streets alone. 

You’d think the arrest would have made it a little easier but I still couldn’t sleep. 

I stubbed my cigarette out against the brick and walked around to the entrance of the restaurant, spotting Jade on the way. I shrugged off the thoughts of the Phantom case and tried to focus on what tonight was really about. When he got out I could see he had a big crooked toothed grin on his face and it all seemed to melt away. 

Next thing I knew, Jade had me caught in one of his bear hugs. When he finally let me go, he ruffled my hair— he’s done that for seventeen fucking years, I’m only a year younger than him for Christ’s sake. Jackass. 

“Glad to see you again, Dave, it’s been a while. You look good.”

Liar. Even I know I looked like hell with a pretty face. 

“You too, playah,” I said with a laugh and he glared at me. “Test me, Davey, I dare you.” 

“Get your panties out of a bunch, we’re here to celebrate,” I nudged his shoulder a little. “But really, how’ve you two been? Seems like a lifetime since I’ve heard a word out of ya.” 

Avery took up the opportunity to get a word in while her father weighed out the pros and cons of murdering me. “Well, I’ve been pretty good and it seems like he’s been even better. He’s been out all hours of the night recently. He used to do that in college, didn’t he?” She leans in closer and lowers her voice, “If you ask me, I do think The Playah Puget is back at it. He must be getting so much—”

“Avery Joy Puget,” Jade was about as red as a tomato, too embarrassed to even think about being angry. 

“Whatcha gonna do dad?” she asked, “Sue me? That’s money out of your pocket.” 

I wiped away the tears brimming at my eyes from laughing so goddamn hard and pulled her into a hug, “I missed you and your shit, kid. Happy to hear you’re doing alright.” 

“You too, Davey,” she said. ”What about you? Dad tells me you finally made detective?”

“He’d be right,” I said. I smiled to myself and kicked at the ground, “What do you say we get inside and grab a bite? I’m starving.” 

Eventually, we made our way in and we found ourselves seated at a booth. Avery claimed one side for herself and Jade made himself comfortable beside me. It had been over a month since I’d seen Jade, we had both been too busy. Of course, that was nothing compared to when he still lived out west, but you get so used to seeing someone almost every day. The Pugets are all I’ve got left besides Mike, and not seeing them felt like losing a part of myself.  

I was sucked back into reality by a waitress putting a beer down in front of me, Jade must have ordered a round. 

_ Get out of your head, Dave. Let tonight be a good night.  _

I turned my head to look at him, and he gave me a small smile. He raised his glass, “Come on, detective, loosen up. You’ve earned a night of getting wasted.” The little giggle that accented his last few words is what convinced me. 

“You’re right,” I said, picking up my own pint. “You’re easier to put up with when you’re drunk anyway.” He got this incredulous look on his face but brushed it off, he knew I was joking. Kind of. Besides, we both knew he could easily say the same about me.

“Right back at you, Dave,” he said. 

See. 

Conversation started to flow when our dinner was brought out. Jade insisted on me getting whatever I want, but if he thought I was actually gonna let him buy me a fucking porterhouse he had lost his mind. We caught up on work, on cases, on the TV shows we both watched, whatever came to mind. Avery, of course, added in her quips where she could and talked about school and all the local shows she wanted to go to. She and Jade got into a debate over what Deftones date to go to and I sit back and watch. It’s so cute, how involved they both get when it comes to music. 

We made plans for months in the future, Jade and I making promises neither of us were sure we could keep but that’s just how it goes. No rest for the wicked. It was times like this where I wished I had a family of my own, but the past has proved that there wasn’t much hope for me. I deal with assholes for a living, you’d think I’d know better but every fucking time I—

You know what? It’s not important.

This was good, what I had was good. Jade and Avery are good. If that was the closest I’d get, it was fine by me. As long as someone was there, as long as someone cared. As long as there was  _ someone,  _ I was beyond grateful. 

Jade put a gentle hand on my shoulder, he looked a little concerned. “You alright?” he asked, leaning in even closer than he already was. I could see every single one of his freckles and laugh lines, little things that are just so uniquely  _ Jade.  _ I quirked a little smile. Not to convince him that I was alright, not to say that everything was fine, but just because I knew that he couldn’t help but do the same. 

And that’s what I needed right now.  __

“I will be, lot on my mind is all.” He smiled back at me right on cue. 

“You know you can talk to me?” There was a tone of urgency in his voice. I’d gotten him worried. 

“I know, Jade, and I will later. Promise. Let’s just have the night out we deserve, yeah?”

He hesitated for a second before nodding. His smile widened a little and he squeezed my shoulder before sitting back again. 

Avery cleared her throat, “So Dave, how  _ did  _ you finally make detective after all this time? Knowing you there has to be some fantastical story of adventure and pleading on your knees.” I heard Jade snort. 

I take it all back, the Pugets are dead to me. 

I scoffed, “I’ll have you know that I work very hard and  _ maintain  _ my dignity.” They both stared at me knowingly. Dead to me, I say. “Okay maybe there was a little groveling, but do you want to hear the goddamn story of not?” Satisfied with the truth, they both coaxed me along. 

“Months ago now, I was out on a drive one night- just out of habit from my patrol days.” There’s no way they didn’t know about the Phantom Ripper case, but she gave me an open to talk and I wasn’t about to turn it down. It’s a gesture I could appreciate. “I get a call from dispatch to an old theater that’s less than a block from where I am. They say some drifter found a body, and at first I’m ready to blow it off and go home. It’s past midnight and I just wanted some rest, but I got a job to do. Plus, who knew? Maybe it could be interesting.” 

“So,” I said, “Of course, I’m first on the scene and because I got there so quickly, sarge puts me on it. Time goes on, and more bodies keep popping up every week in different locations, same M.O., and we realize that we’ve got a serial killer on our hands. We start buckling down, going over every little bit over and over again until we finally have a solid profile.  We know what kinda guy we’re looking for, now it’s just a matter of finding him, right? We put together a suspect list and start questioning people. It starts seeming pretty bleak, halfway through the list with absolutely nothing until the murders stop dead in their tracks. We knew we had this guy right under our thumb then. We’d been questioning guys about a week apart, the previous week Phantom had made his drop right on schedule but this week he didn’t deliver. We look back to see who we had just brought in, and we got him. I tracked that motherfucker down and brought him in myself.” 

“Why isn’t your face all over the news?” Avery demanded, she looked absolutely enthralled. My chest swelled with pride. “You’re like, an American hero or something now!” 

“We made it a point to keep this case on the downlow, it’s kind of a sensitive matter, but now that we’ve got him off the streets it’ll probably blow up even bigger than it already has. No real way to avoid it. I’m sure you’ll start seeing plenty of this pretty face around.” I grinned, I hadn’t actually thought about that until then. I was gonna be on fucking TV. 

The department came to an agreement that we shouldn’t give the press much until the trial started, but now it was almost upon us. I couldn’t wait to watch this guy fucking burn. 

“Good, you deserve the recognition,” she commented, and she’s right. This was everything I’d worked for and more. 

I’d finally fucking made it. 

Before we got too smashed, we found ourselves back at Jade’s place. Somewhere a little more familiar to spill our guts, literally and metaphorically. By the time we got inside, we were already laughing like little girls. Being here, it felt like coming home again after a long time away. It was warm and inviting and it always smelled like his favorite incense. It was intoxicating. 

You could tell where they spent most of their time. Parts of the house seemed completely unlived in, too perfect and pristine to be real, but others were obviously well loved. Papers left lying around, shoes that were carelessly kicked off, throw pillows looking a little crumpled. All the things a home was supposed to be, and all the things I’d never have. 

I didn’t catch any of the short conversation Jade and Avery had, but she had wandered upstairs and Jade was digging through his liquor cabinet. I’d collapsed onto the couch, cozying up under a blanket. I didn’t remember this blanket smelling so strongly of his cologne, but I didn’t think much of it. It was probably just the fact that I was tired and a little buzzed and thinking about him way more than I should.

He pulled out a bottle that had barely been touched and brought over a couple of glasses. “Jade, you don’t have to waste your good scotch on me. You know that cheap vodka does the trick.”

“Shut up,” he said, setting everything down on the coffee table and sitting down with me. “This is for me just as much as it is for you, I need to get blackout fucking drunk after the day I’ve had.”

“And you were telling  _ me  _ to talk about my troubles.” 

“I still am, but I’m selfish and need to complain about my life too.”

“You’re awful, I love you,” I said, sitting up and draping an arm around his shoulders. 

“I know,” he chuckled and poured the both of us a glass. “Let’s get down to business.” He handed me a glass and I sipped on it without a second thought. He was in hysterics when I started choking. 

“Weak, Dave.” 

“Leave me alone, the only time I drink any real booze is with you. Get me some fucking ice instead of being a jackass.” 

He snatched the crystal out of my hand and walked into the kitchen, bringing it back with a few ice cubes. “And for the baby,” he said, handing it back to me. He plopped back down and rested his head on my shoulder. “So, tell me, what’s troubling you?” 

“Not before you explain your need to forget today ever happened.” 

He sighed and topped off the scotch he still had yet to touch. I never usually had a hard time reading him unless something is really off. I started to get a little nervous. Was it me? Could he tell? What if—

_ Please, Dave. He wouldn’t still be trying to confide in you if that were what this is about. Or would he? No, no, it’s fine. It’s not you. _

“It’s partially you.”

_ FUCK.  _

“I can’t live without my best friend,” he said nudging me. “And you’re not acting like yourself, I just want you to be alright.” My heart sunk. I hate that I’m so transparent to him, can’t tell a lie to save my life. He’s too good of a guy to even be involved with me, let alone get upset over me feeling kinda off. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he cares so much. 

“Oh, Jade,” I said with a sigh and another sip, “I swear I’ll be fine. You know how stressful this line of work can get. That’s all that’s going on.” I hoped to God he was just tipsy enough to believe that. I trust Jade with my life, but he didn’t need to hear about what was really on my mind. He didn’t need to know how much I hated being alone, how much I couldn’t stand getting older and having nothing to hold onto. He didn’t need to know that the only thing that I wanted would never be mine. It was easier to pass it off as being stressed— albeit with good reason— than to open the door to everything that not even he knew about. It was better off that way. 

“I really hope so, Davey.” He paused for a minute, seemingly to consider his next move. He finished off his glass before saying, “I think I’m gonna file for divorce.” 

I nearly inhaled my drink. Did I hear that right? I couldn’t have.  _ No, no, you’re just imagining things. You’re drunk.  _ “What?” I asked weakly after coughing up most of the alcohol in my lungs. My entire body burned. 

“You okay there, buddy?” he chuckled, looking up at me. I nodded. “Good, because I’m gonna need you alive if I actually go through with this.” 

He did. He actually said he was gonna file for divorce. He had told me about what went on with Marissa, but he’d never considered divorcing her. Had things really gotten so much worse in such a short period of time? There was only one thing I could even think to ask:

“Why?”

Before they had gotten married, I told him to be careful. She didn’t leave a bad taste on my tongue or anything, I was just watching out for him like best friends are supposed to do. I didn’t want to see him get hurt, but now look where we were. 

“I dunno, I just can’t stand it anymore. We’re all fucking miserable, man. I don’t want to live like this forever, and as much as I don’t want to put Avery through that I know she’s already suffering more than she should have to.” He pulled some of the blanket away for himself and snuggled underneath it with me. “I deserve to be happy, don’t I?”

“Of course.”

“Well I know what’ll make me happy, and it’s definitely not this.” 

Didn’t I fucking feel that. “Then do what you have to to be happy. Don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again.”  _ Not like me.  _

“I will,” he said with a little hiccup, “thanks.” He cuddled into my side, soaking up my warmth. Reminded me of the week we spent huddled up together for warmth when the heat broke back in college. I had gone with him to spend the holidays up north with his family, and of course with me around everything went to hell. It was the best Christmas I had had in years, but we damn near froze to death. 

“Still like a goddamn radiator,” he mumbled with his head buried in my chest. 

We got in a few more drinks before he started trying to get me to talk.

“Now, you gotta tell me your deal,” Jade slurred. “What seems to be the problem, officer?”

“Your fuckin’ cop jokes are the problem.”

“Davey,” he whined, “come  _ on. _ ”

“Fine,” I groaned. “I’ve just been thinking a lot lately. About my life and where I wish it would have gone, y’know? I just— I wanted so much, I was gonna do so much. I was gonna make something out of myself, and I didn’t fucking do  _ any  _ of it.”

“Things may not have turned out the way you wanted them to, but you did make something out of yourself,” he interjected. He was right, I suppose. I’d done well and I was happy enough, “But there’s so much more,” I insisted. “So much that I’ll never have the chance at.”

“You don’t know that.”

“All I have is my fucking job, Jade, and I have such bad fucking luck. It’s pointless to even try.”

“You don’t  _ know that _ ,” he said again, “don’t give up that easily.” All I did was sigh. 

“And Davey?”

“Hm?”

“You have me. You’ll always have me.” 


	3. Jade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So no, I didn't abandon or forget about this fic. She's given me hell, but she finally allowed me to go forth! I'm happy to be back and I hope you enjoy this update to the lovely beast that is For The Workforce, Drowning.

With how utterly fucked up I had been the night before, I was surprised I had gotten any sleep at all. Why I couldn’t be like every other son of a bitch and pass out when I got drunk enough was beyond me. That had been my entire problem for a while. Well, other than the fact that I was sleeping on the fucking couch. Maybe it was having someone curled around me again, maybe it was how incredibly exhausted I was after working every waking hour that week. I was just grateful to get some well deserved rest. Of course, when I woke up Davey was still sleeping like the dead. I didn’t have the heart to move, from what little I had heard of him over the past few months he was getting about as much sleep as I had been. Or rather, as little. Luckily for him and probably the rest of us too, everything still seemed to be quiet and calm. That must have meant that Marissa actually  _ didn’t  _ come home last night. No sulphur smell in the air, no plagues being brought down upon us, it did appear that were safe. 

No matter how intoxicated, I still did remember the conversation Dave and I had before we ultimately passed out. I worried about him, and it was those kind of talks that told me that I was right to. I’d been around for the ups and downs of the many relationships that he’s had. Dave’s been hurt, there’s no doubt about it. One of his best qualities is the fact that he wears his heart on his sleeve but it’s always been his downfall. People like to take advantage of that fact, they’ll bleed you dry and leave you wondering what went wrong. I had really hoped that he’d take it all with a grain of salt, but I knew that wasn’t the case.

He was quick to trust, spilling his every flaw and desire not too long after we had really started to talk. I had always tried to return the favor, but it didn’t come quite as easily to me. Faith had never exactly been my forte, it was one of the few actually valuable things I had learned in my early teenage years— trust no one, not even yourself. I had stuck to that one pretty well, other than my brother of course. Smith had been right there by my side through it all, he deserved it far more than anyone else. I could appreciate Davey’s honesty though. I almost wish I had been that brave, but the illusion I held up worked well enough. 

I had immediately given Dave my full love and support. He was a sweet kid and it meant a lot that he would be so open, even if I was just his asshole roommate that he had met just a few weeks prior. He may have even dragged me out of my own cage inch by inch. I’d always keep one foot within the comfort of my own solitude, but I’m glad he had lured out some part of the old Jade. It was a version of me that only my own blood knew of. Davey was the best friend a twisted little nineteen-year-old could have ever asked for. He helped shape me for the better. 

But yes, his heartbreak and sorrow had always kept me concerned. He had dealt with more than his fair share too, maybe that’s why we always got on so well. It’s always easier to latch onto someone you can identify with. It’s like finding a missing piece somewhere that you had never cared to look before. People like to call their partners their other half, but that obviously didn’t work out for me. Davey never was the happiest person. I think I drag out the same thing in him that he does with me. I get that bubbly, easy-going side of him, but he’s struggled to keep it up for all the years that I’ve known him. We made a pact to always have each other’s backs, pull each other back up, even when that means reaching into the depths of hell. It’s happened before, and I think I can safely say that neither of us would ever break that. It’s all part of my job, to watch out for him. After how long we had spent apart, I knew I needed to be there, and I probably knew too much of the reason why without him even telling me. Had I known earlier, I never would have done it, but it was too late now. 

I was pulled from my thoughts by a firm squeeze around the middle as Davey started to stir. I had nearly forgotten that he was there. 

I looked down at him and allowed myself a lazy smile. I’ll be the first to admit that despite somehow gaining fifty pounds every time he wound up on top of me and being utterly unwakeable, he was still pretty damn cute when he was sleeping. I never really had been one for affection, only a few could ever siphon it from me, but he’d never been shy about it. I couldn’t help but to reciprocate. Hey, at least someone was still willing to cuddle. I have needs too. 

He nuzzled against my chest and hid his face from the early rays of sunlight coming through the blinds. Even though my head was pounding, the sun’s beams made everything seem that much warmer. It was nice, quiet, comfortable. I hadn’t had that in a long time. A wave of drowsiness washed over me again, making it hard to keep my eyes open. I wanted nothing more than to give in to slumber’s sweet embrace but I had shit to do, places to go, daughters to talk to. But did I  _ really  _ need to do all of that  _ today? _

Yeah, I kinda did. 

“The queen has finally risen, I see.” I gave a sleepy little chuckle and reached to card my hand through his somehow still neatly styled hair. He didn’t get to look like a perfect little angel while I undoubtedly looked like I crawled out of the sewer. “How you feeling, Marchand?” 

“Awful, thanks.” His words were lazy and muffled, but I’ve had more than enough time to recognize his snide remarks. 

“Oh, you poor thing.” I gave him a gentle little jab in the ribs and he whined, tightening his hold on me. I was convinced that he was trying to squeeze the life out of me. “Okay big top, if I make you a deal will you stop trying to constrict me? I’m too hungover to run away when you start to unhinge your jaw.” 

“Shut  _ up, _ you are such an  _ ass! _ ” He loosened his grip, allowing air back into my lungs. I dramatically gasped for breath just to annoy him a little bit more. Davey finally looked up at me, just his eyes were visible but I could tell he wore a scowl. “If you keep it up I’m never getting up off this couch, Puget. But do tell me your offering, you’ve got my attention.” 

“If— and only if— you get off of me, I’ll take you over to that little diner we used to go to all that time so we can try to be at least somewhat functional today.” He shot up almost immediately after the words left my mouth. The little things always meant the most to him, and I figured it would be nice to reacquaint with familiar surroundings. Both of our lives had become so busy so quickly, it was hard to do all of the things we loved to. It really was hard to keep up when the rest of the world wanted you to drown. 

Sure, it had only been a few months since I had seen Dave, but by no means did that mean we had time for more than a drink or two for quite some time. Life had consisted of brief exchanges, just to check in, and manic ramblings when we did get to see each other for more than an hour at a time for upwards of a year. A lot could happen in a year’s time. It was no way to live when you had been practically attached at the hip to someone for this long. I missed him, it was killing me, but at least we’d be able to take a little more time to see one another. At least for a little while, anyway. 

I found my way upstairs to clean up. I looked like I was fresh out of college, early days in lawyer land. Young Jade Puget, king of exhaustion, questionable parenting, and getting absolutely hammered almost every night. Still not sure how I managed to hold a job back then, but I must have been doing something right. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and finally changed out of my crumpled button-up and slacks. Sweats and a Joy Division shirt that I had to have had since the early ‘90s beckoned for me, but I reminded myself that I still had other things to do. I couldn’t retreat to the warm safety of my bed just yet, although I promised myself that I would until Marissa came back and forcibly removed me from the room. 

I made my way back downstairs to find Davey keeled over in the half bath, near death from the sounds of it. If I felt like I was hit by three trains I could only imagine how he felt. “Hey there, kiddo. Can I get you anything?” 

He hung his head, trying to catch his breath. “Do me a favor, go grab my gun—” 

“I’m not killing you, Marchand. You’ll feel better after we get some food in you.” I held my hand out for him to take and pulled him up. In return, he fell against me and hid his face in my chest trying to shield his eyes from the light. “Remind me to never drink again.” 

“Yeah, yeah, how many times have you said that before? Come on, we’ll get you some water, you can borrow some clothes.”

Another half hour of fighting back the worst of the whiskey’s revenge later and we finally made it back into the city for a well deserved greasy breakfast. I wanted to get more out of him, I couldn’t just leave it at the vague drunken ramblings that I had to pry out the night before. It wasn’t like Davey to deflect, that was my job. Something was up. Sure, I could take my guesses as to what but I needed to hear it from him. I couldn’t let him lock himself away and toss the key. 

We sat at our usual booth in the furthest corner of the restaurant, Davey habitually by my side. We had to have eyes on the situation at all times. Plus no one else wanted to go into the weird, dark, sticky corner other than us. Privacy was always key. Once we had our well balanced breakfast of burgers and fries, I finally brought it up again. I knew from the start that I wasn’t going to like the answers that I got, but I kept reminding myself that I had to. I  _ had  _ to. I had to take a page out of his book, I had to be honest.

“So, I uh— Can we talk about last night?” I looked over at him, picking at my food, and his demeanor immediately changed. He had an awful tell, chewing on his lip in absence of the lip ring he had years before whenever he got even a little stressed. It helps to pick up on these things when you’re trying to win a case, but it’s not exactly a bed of roses when it’s your personal life. You find out things you never wanted to know. But I pushed all that to the back of my mind. I had to branch out, for Davey’s sake. I couldn’t let myself get in the way of that, no matter that I didn’t want to have to hear it. I didn’t want to get too close but it was already out of my hands. 

Davey’s voice was small, nervous. He really didn’t want to be having this conversation, and it showed even worse than before. “Yeah, I guess. What about it?” 

I sighed, letting go of all my anxious preoccupations. This was Davey. Poor, sweet Davey who never deserved the life he was dealt. Davey, my rock, my anchor, the one person I knew I could still rely on. Nothing else mattered other than him. “I had to pry harder than I ever have before to get you to talk to me last night. This isn’t like you, and I’m worried. I’m not gonna let you shut down, Dave. Please, just talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Tell me the truth, the full truth.”

He was silent for a while, still absentmindedly chewing on his bottom lip. His eyes were downcast, but I could still see the apprehension within them. After a while, he took a breath and some of it seemed to melt away. It appeared that he went through about the same process I had. “I know, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to shut you out like this but everything’s just been so goddamn hard. I’m not even legally allowed to talk about what’s going on.”

“Has that ever stopped you before?” I nudged him a little, an ultimately futile attempt to lighten things up a bit. He only briefly entertained it. 

“Not really. Not with you at least, you get gorier details than I ever do most of the time.” He just barely had a hint of a smile, but it faltered quickly. “The Phantom case has really been hitting me. It’s made me realize that I’m not gonna be here forever. We’re just getting older and every passing day just feels like a waste. Time’s running out, you don’t know what the hell could happen, your chances at happiness could be stripped from you in an instant.” He was holding back the details, we both knew that, but I could let it go. I didn’t really have any desire to hear said ‘gory details’ anyway. 

“I’m tired of being hurt, I’m tired of being miserable. I keep trying to convince myself that I’m happy where I’m at, and I guess that’s true to some extent, but all I have is my career. That’s not happiness, that’s not all I want. Yeah, sure it helps but Jade— I don’t want to die alone. I can’t die without knowing what it’s like to have that. To really be happy. And I’m so fucking scared I won’t have the chance. I’m never going to have what I want and I can’t deal with that. It makes it seem like none of this is even worth it.” There it was, that’s what I just  _ knew  _ he was withholding. My heart broke for him. I knew how it felt, every awful little part. Loneliness, hopelessness, they’re like a crushing weight on your chest that not even the divine could lift. When you knew what you wanted and knew you couldn’t have it, knew things would always be working against you and knew that it would never want you back. Realizing that was the worst pain you’ll ever feel. Worse than being torn apart, piece by piece. I could have sworn I saw something not entirely discernable flash through Davey’s eyes as he bared his soul to me. A look, a glance, just a thread of  _ something  _ that made a mark. I felt my throat tighten up and my eyes start to well up with tears but I couldn’t show it. Not here, not now. I swallowed the ocean before the waves could come crashing down. I suddenly became conscious of the fact that I had taken far too long to respond.

“Dave,” I had to clear my throat to keep my voice from wavering. “I know it’s probably not going to be any consolation, but nothing is going to happen to you as long as I can help it.” Despite my own sad attempt at brightening things up a little, I couldn’t even bring myself to smile. In fact, I had to keep from rolling my eyes at myself. I sighed, sitting back in the booth. “God, sorry, I just— Listen, I’m being honest when I say I know exactly how you feel. I’ve felt that way for a long time now. I want to tell you that things will work out in the end, but I don’t know that. I can’t say that I’d believe it myself. You’re right, there’s no way to tell how things will work out, we don’t know if it’ll all be okay in the end but I hope that it is. I really hope it is. We do still have time, plenty of it, and the best thing we can do is hope to god that something, someone will come around. You deserve that, Dave. You deserve so much better than this. And you know, I meant what I said last night. If nothing else, I will always be right here behind you whether you want me or not. You’re stuck with me, Marchand. I swear on everything I have that I’ll never let you down.”

Dave and I parted ways after we ate, and I was off to face the rest of the day’s responsibilities. When I got back home it was approaching noon and I knew for a fact that Avery was still down for the count. I cleaned up downstairs, locking my troubles in the liquor cabinet where they belonged, and brought better thoughts with me as I prepared myself to accept my status as an adult once more. I knocked on Avery’s door, earning a groan from beyond. I took it as an invitation as I poked my head in to find her completely cocooned up in sheets and blankets. “Come on, sweet pea. I can’t let you hibernate all weekend, gotta show your face at least once a day so I know you’re still alive.” She rolled over and moved the carefully bunched blankets away just enough to reveal her face, “That work for you? Can I go back to sleep yet?” 

“‘Fraid not, I’m gonna need a little bit more than that.” I pushed the door open all the way and sat down on the edge of her bed. “At least let me make you something to eat, maybe I’ll be able to convince you to spend a little time with your old man in the time it takes you to shovel some brunch down.” She finally pushed the sheets away and sat up at that, “You really meant it when you said you were gonna do something with me?” Avery was my one true soft spot, I would give absolutely anything for that kid. God, it really did seem like everyone in my life was hurting but I would  _ not  _ let my little girl get the worst of that. Of course I meant it, I would do anything to make things just a little bit easier for her. “I never break a promise. You know that, pumpkin.” 

She cracked a smile and scooted towards me, allowing me to pull her into a hug. “Alright, I guess I’ll give you a chance. You’re gonna pay if I’m coming out of my cave for nothing, though.” She grinned at me, giving me a bit of a nudge. Avery glanced over at the clock on her nightstand to look at the time. “I’m surprised you’re already up and all chipper and shit. I would have thought you and Dave would still be out cold on the couch. What, mom come and rain on your parade?” 

I scoffed, “You really think I’d be in such a good mood if your mother came storming through?” She looked back at me with a curious expression on her face, “Wait, you mean she didn’t turn up last night?” Avery didn’t have to say anything for me to know what she was thinking. It was no secret, what was going on with Marissa. It became clearer to me with every passing moment that there was no hiding it. That’s why talking to Avery was so important. Something had to be done and I had to make sure she was going to be okay through this. I trusted that she’d be just fine, but as I had learned so well, things could go sour in the blink of an eye. It made me nervous, but I couldn’t let it go on forever. One of us had to do something about it and Marissa wasn’t going to have the last word. This was her doing and my life to reclaim.

“No, she didn’t. Don’t worry yourself too much, kid—” Avery cut me off before I even had the chance to fit in some awful snarky comment. I probably shouldn’t have been making those around her, but it’s not like I was saying anything that wasn’t true. “I’m not holding my breath, nothing she does surprises me anymore. I’m sure you know how I feel.” She was really aiming for the gut today. I definitely understood, though. Words couldn’t describe just how angry I was at Marissa, completely dismissing her responsibilities as a mother and disregarding everyone around her. I could hear my pulse hammering in my ears just thinking about it. This surely wasn’t the woman I had married, and I was left wondering where it had all gone wrong. As with most everything else, I blamed myself, even if it was ridiculous to do so. I had put my all into our marriage just to have it thrown back in my face. Still, in some way I felt that I had done something to earn this. Perhaps it was simply the universe reinforcing what I had always known deep down, I would never be happy. That seemed to be a recurring theme in my life at the time, didn’t it?

This whole conversation had a better place later on in the day so I evaded as much of it as I could for the moment, dodging back around to the task at hand. “Yeah, well, since I’ve managed to get your attention, would you do me the honor of joining me to face the world? Gonna take me up on that brunch offer?” Lucky for me she went right along with it. She reminded me of Smith in that way, food was always the best argument. 

Avery met me downstairs a while later after I already had everything plated up, successfully avoiding helping me out. She perched herself at the island and dug straight in while I started cleaning up. “Does this meet your quota for facetime for the day?” I looked over my shoulder to see her smirking and rolled my eyes. “You’re not off the hook yet, sweet pea. I was thinking I’d take you to the botanical garden, for old time’s sake. What do you think?” 

I used to take Avery to botanical gardens and nature reserves all the time when she was younger, especially when we lived out west. A love for the outdoors had been something I was determined to pass down to her. Smith and I were practically raised in our mother’s flower garden. She had always tried to take us all these gorgeous places and I wanted to share that with whoever would let me. Marissa liked it while we were still dating, before everything went south, but that died along with our relationship. She had stopped caring about the things that were important to me years ago. Avery still went along with me though, she was just as taken with it as I was when I was a kid. Spending most of my time in the concrete jungle made matters a little more difficult, but New York did fortunately have some good qualities— other than the exhaust and pavement of course. 

I couldn’t remember telling Avery much about why things like that mattered so much to me. I swept most of that stuff under the rug, there’s not much I ever wanted anyone to know if I could help it. Still, I felt guilty. If there was any person I would be okay with telling, it was my daughter. Maybe I wouldn’t dish it all out to her at this young of an age, but I didn’t want to be a stranger to her forever. Maybe I’d bring that up today too. Not everything was about the situation with Marissa, I wanted to spend time with her too. I needed to make my personal life a priority again. I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t there for Avery. I had lived through too much of that to do the same to her. 

Avery’s face lit up the second the words came out of my mouth. A damn near lifetime had passed since we had last gone out and done something, just the two of us, so she was all for it. I had to say, I definitely shared her excitement. It didn’t occur to me until then just how much I had missed her and her toothy little grin. I loved seeing her so happy. Sometimes it really struck me just how alike we truly are, but nothing made me happier than that. She was my pride and joy, my hope and faith, my reassurance that it wasn’t all bad. Something good did come out of the natural disaster that had been my existence. I may have hated myself, but Avery made my world a whole lot brighter. 

“What, is that even a question? That sounds great, I’d love to! It’s been way too long. I read somewhere that they expanded some not too long ago, I’ve been dying to check it out but I know things have been kinda hectic for you lately.” Having busied myself with making a pot of coffee, I turned and leaned up against the counter waiting for it to brew. I gave her a sympathetic look, that guilt was not going anywhere. “Hey, I’m gonna try my best to spend all the time that I can with you, alright? I missed this, even just getting to sit around and home and laugh a little. I won’t let it get this bad again.” I really had to choose my words. I was strict about my rule of never breaking promises if I could help it, I couldn’t hand them out like I wanted to. The fact that I couldn’t guarantee my own daughter my attention felt awful, it turned my stomach. I bit back what I wanted to say next. Again, my remarks had a better place in conversation later on. I wasn’t ready for this all quite yet. 

“I’ll tell you what. You finish up and get ready and I’ll set it up so I get that time off next week like I said I would. Then we’ll go on and get the hell out of here for a while. Sound like a plan?” She agreed and I found my way upstairs, locking myself in my study. I sank down behind my desk and laid my head down on the cool surface. That was the first chance I had gotten all day to breathe and I don’t want to admit just how much I really needed it. I was at my wit’s end and something in my gut told me that it wasn’t going to get any easier any time soon. With how things were beginning to unravel already, I didn’t want to be the poor bastard to see how much worse it would get. Unfortunately, I was that poor bastard and I couldn’t worm my way out of living my own life. No matter how little I might have wanted it, I knew I still had time left to live through. I had to face the music as I had time and time again all the years before. I had to be there for myself, my family. It was difficult, incredibly so, but I’d be damned if I didn’t. I was taught better than that. 

I spent a good half hour locked away, not completely intentionally breaking into the bottle of scotch I kept in my office. Somehow, I did manage to clear my work schedule for a few days that following week. It would be worth it, even if it did require a bit of fighting for with my boss who was not in the mood to talk to me on an early Saturday afternoon. The firm had ruled my life for months, I could definitely do without for a while. 

I knocked back what was left in the bottom of my glass before pushing back out into the hallway and calling out for Avery. I met her back downstairs and filled her in on the most recent developments. We left soon after that, and she of course took full control of the car stereo before I could say a thing about it. Avery kept conversation going, even though I had no idea of what I could say or where to begin. Easy filler was all it was, I think we both understood that, but that much didn’t matter. The fact that we could talk at all was where it really counted. Plus, it let me gather my thoughts while I still had the time. Comfortable chatter and laughter did wonders that way. 

The ride was a familiar one, I had gone to the gardens alone quite a few times. It was the perfect place to go to clear your head and reset, which god knows I needed from time to time. Now was the perfect time to go with what little leaves you could find changing color and the weather cooling down. With any luck it would help me figure out the rest of this as well. Work, the potential divorce, my seemingly weakening relationship with my best friend. My own personal vendettas with myself. Maybe I’d find some clarity in the crisp mid-autumn air, even though I didn’t have particularly high hopes. 

Small talk continued on as we found our way around the new parts of the garden. We caught up on all the trivial things, picking up on the conversation we had with Davey the night before. I told her what I could, what I was willing to, and she happily accepted what I had to offer. Everyone around me had become so accustomed to my vague attempts at sharing that they weren’t even questioned anymore. That wasn’t a good thing, I realized that much, but it was almost nice. I could handle a lot of pressure, but pressure on my personal life was too risky. It was better off that everything I said was accepted at face value, assumed to just be what to expect. My walls were in place and as long as they stood it was fine. I was fine. All I could do was hold out hope that they wouldn’t come crumbling down as they had been threatening to. 

Avery and I found our way around to one of our favorite spots and settled in on bench in an inviting patch of sunlight. Not even my vampiric ways could lead me away in this kind of cold. Try as I might, the bleak, dreary days ahead didn’t help me while trying to get myself back in a better headspace. I was stuck, frozen over, and I could feel everything going downhill. I really needed a miracle here. If one more thing slipped, if everything fell apart, I didn’t know how I would pick up the pieces again. My hands were already too cut up to keep doing this over and over again. Things needed to change, and talking to Avery was the gateway. It was the courage I needed to go through with it and maybe, just maybe, find a way to be a little happier than before. 

I sighed and sat back, throwing my arm over the back of the bench. I stared out at the scene before me. It looked like something straight out of a painting, a little too pretty to believe. This is what I loved, what I hung onto for so long. Moments where you didn’t have to keep thinking, where you could allow yourself to let go. It’s how I got by for years after it all went bad. No matter how bad it made me miss her sometimes, it still made me feel better somehow. Her voice echoing in my head in that same sweet, gentle tone she used with us every time.  _ All clouds will pass, no matter how grey.  _ Slowly, my nerves started to calm and my manic thoughts began to quiet. A little peace and fresh air went a long way. 

When I was finally ready to talk, it came easy. This was the first step in a long road ahead but I was ready to make it. I needed to make it, for me, for Avery, for the future. Change wouldn’t come without effort. “I just want to apologize again for constantly being so busy. I feel awful for not being able to always be there for you. I’m trying to balance things out, but it’s proving a lot harder than I had hoped. You know I’d do anything if it meant making things easier for you, right?”

“I know, dad. You don’t have to apologize to me. Seriously, I understand. I know work’s important to you, but I also know for a fact that you’d give it up just to make me happy. Sometimes you gotta do what you have to, but it won’t last forever, right?” I looked over at Avery, I wish that would have made me feel any better but it all still felt so wrong. “I’m going to keep putting my best effort in. I don’t want to be away from you if I don’t absolutely need to be, but you’re right. It’ll get better in due time.” That’s what I had to keep reminding myself of. Even if there was no end in sight, better things were always ahead. Sometimes the floodgates had to open before the rain would clear, but all tragedy would eventually end. “I’m happy you let me drag you out here. I think I just realized how much I missed going out and having fun with you and Dave… It’s been too long.” 

“I’m happy you still want to do things with me. Mom’s lost interest, but you’ve always been there.” Avery met my gaze, a hint of a smile on her face. “You know, I hear from all of my friends about how much they butt heads with their parents. Hell, you know better than I do that not everyone gets lucky enough to lean on their parents like that, and I’m glad I have you.” 

“I’ve always tried to my best to be there for you, to be open with you, to make sure you always felt comfortable talking to me. After your grandmother dying and everything, you’re right— I didn’t have any of those things, but I’m lucky I had her when I did. She taught me better than what came after. When we had you that all came right back to the surface. I swore to myself that I’d never let anything happen to you, that I’d be even half as good to you as my mama was to me. I don’t think I’ve done too bad a job of that so far. Look, I know things aren’t perfect, but I just want you to know that I’m gonna be by your side no matter what. You could come and tell me that you’re a serial killer or something, I don’t care. I’m always going to look out for you.” 

“Please, you’re like, the best dad anyone could ask for.” Avery’s smile widened and she nudged my arm. “Thank you though, I do trust you’ll always bail me out.” She fell silent for a moment, seemingly collecting her thoughts. She looked back up at me with a soft expression on her face. “You’ve never told me much about her, you know. I don’t want to push, but I’d love to hear whatever stories you might have if you ever want to share. I can only imagine what kind of trouble you and uncle Smith were getting into back when you were kids.” 

I let myself relax a little, Avery was making it easy for me now. “I was actually just thinking about that earlier. I’ve never told you why I like the gardens so much, have I?” She shook her head. “Your grandmother had quite the green thumb. She had this beautiful garden in our backyard. We used to spend entire days out there helping her pull weeds and water the flowers. I never did have the same gift that she did, but I loved it anyway. Even with the countless times that I was assaulted by rose thorns. There was also this little hiking trail that she used to take us to almost every weekend. After she passed, Smith and I spent nearly every  _ day  _ up there on this clif that overlooked the town. The great outdoors were one of the big things that she shared with me that I never stopped revisiting. Even if I can’t keep a plant alive to save my life, I’ve tried my best to pass that along to you too. Keep those little things most important to me alive.” 

“So that’s why Smith has a weird obsession with succulents.” That made me smile, it wasn’t as hard as I had thought to reflect back. So long as I didn’t have to focus on the bad, it was nice— cathartic, even. Avery knowing when to add in the punchline didn’t hurt either. “In all seriousness, I’m glad you want to share things like that with me. I love it just as much as I’m sure you did and knowing the story behind it makes it all the more special. I think you’ve done a pretty good job of keeping her spirit alive.” 

For some reason, that struck me. I sat there with thoughts for a minute. It had been twenty-two years since she died. It didn’t hurt any less, I didn’t feel any less alone than I did before. I could never fill that void. I lost a piece of myself when I lost my mother. I would never be the same, I would never have that kind of happiness again. I was so young, so naive, and tapping into those feelings again was a dangerous game. Recent events had already begun adding up to a recipe for disaster. Fragility wasn’t an option at this point. I had to close these doors before it became too difficult to close them again. 

I took a breath to steady myself, come back to my senses. We were here for a reason, I didn’t want to put it off any longer. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to do it at all. 

I cleared my throat, “A, honey, I gotta be honest with you. I had ulterior motives taking you here, there’s something that I need to talk to you about.” She didn’t say anything, but I knew I had her attention. “I’m sure I don’t need to explain the situation with your mother to you. You know what’s going on just as well as I do, it’s not like she’s working too hard to hide it. None of us have been happy for a long time, and I’m sorry you’ve been caught in the middle of it all. Neither of us have been there for you like we should, and for that I apologize. It’s not fair.” She tried to interject, but I stopped her before she could get too far. “Things need to change, I think we all know that by now, but I needed to check in with you before—”

“You’re going to file for divorce, aren’t you?” I don’t know why it surprised me so much that she had caught on, but I found myself speechless. All I could do was nod. “Thank god.” 


End file.
